The other day I was talking with my husband about some of my observations so far about how our culture treats parenting and how that connects to what I’ve seen in my therapy work.
My husband reminded me of this Portlandia sketch that had two first time parents going through all these books trying all these different methods only for them to not work. By the end of the sketch, they basically gave up trying to follow all the “methods” and just asked the kid what he wanted. The kid responds with a “Just trust your instincts” and continues on to say that these books are “ca ca”.
Fortunately, the sketch is on YouTube, so you can view it and get few laughs:
But in all seriousness, this whole experience has got me thinking a lot about how the way our culture treats parents, how that impacts child development, and how those children grow to function as adults.
Something that I’ve observed over the years in the therapy room is a general tendency for people to really struggle to accept themselves and trust themselves. I’ve seen so many people be anxious over making the “right” decision. I’ve seen so many people live in fear over making mistakes. I’ve seen so many people fear judgment, rejection, and/or abandonment for potentially doing the “wrong” thing.
I see so many people focused on pleasing others. So many people “abandoning” themselves in hopes to make someone else happy.
But what I don’t see are very many people talking about why that is.
Months ago I read an article (can’t remember where I saw it or from whom — go figure) that said that there has never been another time in history where we had so many experts telling people how to raise their kids. Which is really true, when you think about it. We seem to be living at a time where everyone is a trained specialist or expert in something. During my pregnancy and postpartum period I found myself constantly having to decide which “experts” I wanted to work with and who not. Do I need a doula or not? Do I need a lactation consultant or not? Do I need a chiropractor or not? The list goes on endlessly, really.
From an economic standpoint, it makes sense as to why we are living at a time with so many “experts”. People need to make money somehow, right? It’s definitely not the most consciously evolved way to run an economy that’s sustainable, but it is what we have to live with right now.
But the question I’ve been reflecting on a lot lately is: Does that model really truly help people in the best way possible?
And what I mean by model is the “expert-client” relationship model. In other words, does the hierarchical model where one person is viewed as the trained and educated one and the person paying for the service is viewed as the one to “learn” and use the information really truly help?
The answer I keep finding myself going to every time is: No.
So why doesn’t it work? Because it doesn’t guide the consumer/client to discover what works for them. More often than not, it’s expert-centered rather than client-centered. (On that note, I could get into the different schools of thought in psychology and, specifically, humanistic psychology which coined the term client-centered, but I think I’ll leave that for another day.)
In other words, the very model of working from an expert-centered approach encourages and, in my observations, causes self-abandonment. It’s due to working in a hierarchical model rather than a bottom-up model that prioritizes meeting people where they’re at.
But anyway, to tie it all back to parenting…
From what I’ve observed in the last 7 months of being a first time mom, it seems to be that the vast majority of these parenting recommendations is that an “expert” is telling you (the parent) what your child needs.
And that just isn’t helpful. Why?
Because the best person to tell you what your child needs is your child.
It’s okay to just accept them where they are rather than try to push them to be in a different state.
None of these experts are going to “rate” you on your parenting 10, 20, 30 years from now… but your child is. So observe your child, listen to them, help them get their needs met, meet them where they are at, follow your instincts, and respond to the best of your ability.
After all, it’s your attunement to them that allows them to feel safe and secure. And their relationship with you is, ultimately, what matters most. Period.
That message might not sell a million books or create an Instagram account with millions of followers, but it is the most sane (and least stressful) advice to execute.
Things I’ve found nourishing this week:
Hikes out in the hills in this 60+ degree weather.
Homemade Matcha Lattes
Hearing baby babbles
Nourishing bone broth-based soups
Laughs from this article Give Me Anything That Sparks Joy In Your Soul and I Will Monetize It
Witnessing the many trees in bloom