On Making Your Own Rules
To Find What Works
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The other day my son woke up at 4:30 AM.
Just weeks ago he had been only waking once per night or sleeping through the entire night but, as expected almost right on time, 4 month sleep regression has arrived. And along with that “regression” as also come a big growth spurt and a lot more feedings.
So at 4:30 AM I fed him and, as he usually does when full, he rested his head on my shoulder all cozy and comfortably and went to sleep.
Though I had a sense it might not work, I got up out of bed and set him down gently in the crib. As I suspected, he fussed and looked at me displeased about 10 seconds later.
“Sigh. Okay, I get it” I said. So I picked him up and held him some more until he stopped moving, felt heavy and appeared asleep.
But this time I didn’t attempt to put him back in the crib. Instead, I moved the bedding away and laid him down next to me.
The second I put him down, he fussed. Again, as I suspected because he has done this so many times before. But then I wrapped my arms around him and held him close and put my forehead against his.
He immediately calmed.
And after a few minutes, he was peacefully asleep and I could move myself away so we could comfortably sleep til dawn.
When I first started this whole new parenting thing I felt bombarded by the noise of following all the “rules”.
Do this, not that.
Don’t do that.
If you do this then you won’t be able to get them to stop.
A little over 4 months in, I have to say that the vast majority of these “rules” haven’t worked for us at all.
“If you don’t have him latch for a week then he will forget how to”. That wasn’t true — I did this and he was still able to latch just fine. He remembers.
“If you let him sleep in the bed with you then he won’t sleep in his crib”. That hasn’t been true at all. He has always been fine in the crib, it’s just that once in a while he wants the security of being close to my husband and/or I.
“You need to feed on a schedule" or “feed X times per day”. This literally never worked.
“You need to get him to sleep through the night by now”. Which, frankly, is not a realistic expectation at all.
The truth is, I don’t care about any of the “rules”. I don’t care about all the opinions that come from wherever about how I “should” treat and raise my kid.
Why? Because the reality is that most of these opinions are not at all in alignment with my own values and what I’ve come to learn that humans most need.
The only thing that I care about is meeting my kid where he is at.
I care about riding the wave with him as he goes through a growth spurt.
I care about being attuned to him by responding with a feeding when he is telling me he’s hungry.
I care about him getting his needs met as his circadian rhythms adjust to new sleep cycles at 4 months because he is now producing his own melatonin.
I care about accepting my son for where he is right now rather than judging him for this thing that he is experiencing that he has very little control over because he is a baby.
And, honestly, it’s been much easier parenting from that perspective, because I’m not wasting energy trying to do things that are just not going to work for my kid and I.
Things I’ve found nourishing this week:
The fall colors
Baby snuggles
Hot Apple Cider
Wearing a sweater in the crisp fall morning air
Sleeping as much as I can
Matthew Perry’s memoir, Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing, where he is brutally honest about his addiction to opiates and alcohol as well as his struggles in relationships. I always find it refreshing to find memoirs that don’t sugarcoat the tough stuff, especially when it’s coming from someone with a lot of privilege. It shows how the disease of addiction is really hard on everyone who has it — regardless of their socioeconomic status.