On Having Conflicting Feelings
Reflections as I transition from working to maternity leave
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As of now, my maternity leave has officially started.
And it feels… weird, to say the least.
Despite months and months of preparation, it finally fully hit me about 3 weeks ago: I’m going to be going on maternity leave.
It was — and still is — a hard reality to take, because I’ve felt really good about my work, my clients, the progress I see, and the enjoyment I get from the work itself.
I felt really good about all of my sessions — and yet, in the background, I could still hear my body saying “More rest, please. It’s time to rest and prepare.”
So for the last 3 weeks I’ve been trying to hold and honor both: Allow my body to continue to rest as needed and still allow myself to enjoy my time with clients as I was still seeing them.
I started seeing clients back in early 2015 and I’ve been seeing clients fairly consistently since then. The only times I have not seen clients were a few weeks or maybe one month max so I could go on a few vacations around the holidays, visit family, take a couple bereavement leaves, get married, go on a honeymoon, transition from one job to another, etc.
That’s essentially 7 years of seeing clients without much of an extended break other than a week or two here and there. So wrapping my head around the idea of taking three months off is completely foreign territory.
In fact, the last time I ever had three months off was, maybe, a summer break during college, but even then that only happened once or twice because, more often than not, I spent my summers in summer school and/or working.
So even taking an extended “break” of any kind just feels… well, foreign and weird at this point. I honestly haven’t been able to give myself much of a break from either school or work in a very, very long time.
Despite how weird and foreign it all feels, it also feels relieving — the idea that I can, finally, take a break from it all and spend time exclusively focusing on something else: caring for a newborn and myself. The very thought of it even feels grounding and nourishing in a way.
And yet, at the same time, it’s uncomfortable stepping away from this way of living that I’ve become so incredibly familiar with.
Which leads me to wonder: Isn’t that what change is all about?
When we make a change it is going to feel uncomfortable in some way.
When we make a change it is not going to feel “normal” at first.
In fact, it might even feel really, really scary. We might even find ourselves feeling an increase in anxiety.
Contrary to how we may initially interpret it, that increase in anxiety is not necessarily a “bad thing”. It’s just a byproduct of things changing, because change requires us to move into the unfamiliar and to learn how to adapt and become comfortable with this new way of living and being in the world.
We can’t really expect change to happen and to not feel uncomfortable at some point. They go hand in hand… always.
During the past few weeks of having my last sessions with clients before my leave, a lot of emotions have come up.
Feelings of being needed.
Feelings of being used to being needed.
Feelings of wanting to feel needed.
… all of which I know are extremely common things that therapists and others in “helping professions” experience. And after being in that space for so long at this point, it’s hard to just “turn off”. There’s this automatic desire to still want to try to help.
To make an exception.
To go out of my way to accommodate.
To help in some way.
So it’s hard to really acknowledge and state my limitations by saying “no”, even though I know with every fiber of my being that I need to say no.
And I have been saying no a lot more in recent months because my body has literally been telling me that I just don’t have the energy or capacity for certain things anymore.
Something that I’ve had to come to terms with is that there is a new human being who is going to really, really need me. And that is what this time is for, after all.
And yet, in a weird way, that still feels foreign too. Because even though we’ve been preparing for months, we have all the stuff, and I’m being woken up by movements almost every night at this point, it still feels abstract.
It still doesn’t quite feel real. And I realize that it may not feel completely real until the baby is actually here.
I’m in the space in between.
The space before the transformation.
The space before the metamorphosis.
The space before the caterpillar fully enters the cocoon to become a butterfly.
I’m still very much so in-touch with the old self and am very much so still in that place, but with each passing day I’m becoming more and more aware of the changes that will be coming soon.
And I really have no idea what will emerge on the other side.
In the midst of all of these mixed feelings, I’ve found myself remembering why I’m even having a baby to begin with.
There are many, many reasons and I’m not going to go into all of them, but one reason is because I have been feeling the need for something more.
Something else.
Something that felt like it was missing.
Something that, frankly, I felt that I was being deprived of.
Because despite enjoying my work and being happy with what I’ve created with my private practice, that that alone is not going to give me all of the fulfillment that I’m desiring in life.
That there’s far more to life than work.
That there’s far more to life than doing things to earn money.
That there’s more to life than consistently trying to help others who reach out for help.
And that, despite being a millennial woman in modern-day America — a country that strongly prioritizes work, productivity, hustle, individuality, profits, and materialism above all else — work alone is not enough for me.
There’s more to life — and being human — than just productivity.
And, frankly, it’s not fair to even feel like, as a woman, I have had to choose between either being a mother or my career because of this culture’s current values.
The reality is that it’s okay to desire both.
It’s normal to desire both.
It’s human to desire both.
I need more out of life than just my career — and despite whatever messaging and systemic influences there are out there… there’s absolutely nothing wrong with desiring what you want.
Things I’ve found nourishing this week:
These late spring/early summer 70-degree-something Northern California days with the windows open so I can catch all that fresh air and comforting breeze.
This Chicken BBQ Ranch Salad from @everything_delish on Instagram.
Cooking and preparing meals to freeze for our early postpartum period.
The birds chirping… and watching them come by to check out our flowering plants.
Accepting the moments when the baby wakes me up with a lot of movements at 4:30 to 6 AM by choosing to work with what’s happening rather than to try to force it to be something else. So I’ve been taking advantage of the quiet early mornings to write and reflect.
Naps… still naps… and probably always naps.
Chocolate peanut butter ice cream… it’s been so satisfying recently.