On Feeling as if You Have No Choice
And uncovering where this might stem from
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If you didn’t feel a sense of control or choice in childhood, you’re likely going to feel very triggered any time you feel a lack of control or choice in adulthood.
I wrote this on a post-it note as I reflected on a recent session.
Needless to say, it got me thinking a lot about our choices — the ones that we consciously choose, the ones we unconsciously choose, and what we do and don’t have control over.
Everyone struggles with these things to some extent — myself included — and some can certainly struggle with it more than others.
More recently, I’ve seen this topic come up frequently when I see people expressing frustrations around things like: systemic issues within their workplace, systemic issues that are impacting them economically, systemic issues that are impacting their access to healthcare, systemic issues leading to a lack of feeling safe in their communities, etc. etc. etc.
You get the idea.
And yes, at this time in history we do have a tremendous amount of systemic issues at play and many, many people are struggling because of it in various ways (admittedly, myself included).
However, it is worth asking: Is that, really, all of it?
In other words, is feeling that we have no choice and control in this very moment 100% caused by our current life circumstances?
Maybe… or maybe not. After all, we never go into a circumstance with a 100% clean slate. We are always carrying our past experiences with us into the present moment. As Anais Nin said, “We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are”.
Perhaps the best way to answer that question is for each and every one of us to take a moment to really pause and ask ourselves: In these moments when I feel as if I have a lack of choice and control, does it feel familiar in some way?
If you’re feeling as if you have a lack of choice and control over your own life, then there’s a fairly high likelihood that you’ve probably felt this way at some other time in your life.
So when has that feeling of not having any control or choice come up before? What’s another time where you’ve felt “stuck” or “trapped”? What memories come to mind?
I know for myself when I reflect on it in this moment, I have a memory of being in 3rd grade and needing to go to school sick. It was one of those school years where everyone seemed to be getting sick, so large portions of classes were gone. I had already taken several sick days and, despite not fully being over the cold, my parents had decided that I was “well enough”, as they didn’t want me to be reprimanded for missing too many school days.
I distinctly remember sitting at my desk completely miserable and not really learning much because of it. I literally felt chained to my desk with no other options. My nose was constantly running and I was continuing to cough, but I kept trying to resist the urge in order to not disrupt the class. What I really needed was a tissue box with a garbage can at my desk as well as, probably, a pillow to put my head down on my desk every so often. But, truthfully, I was still really tired and needed to lay down on the couch.
Even at 9 years old I knew that’s what I needed…
But I also knew that what I needed wasn’t something that would be met by the adults around me with acceptance and support.
There was a rule about not putting your head on the desk, and there was a rule that you needed to raise your hand and ask for permission every time to get up and get a tissue. If I asked to get up too often, I anticipated being reprimanded for it because that’s the response I saw my peers receive.
So in that circumstance, at 9 years old, I was instilled with messages of:
It’s bad to be sick and you’re not allowed to get sick.
Your needs (and health) don’t matter as much as your productivity.
You need to please those in power in order to avoid being reprimanded.
You have no choices or control over your own health and well-being.
You are not allowed to tend to your own needs.
You have no choice or control in giving yourself what you know you need.
Nobody cares about your health and well-being, because your productivity is what is most important.
You are alone in your struggle, because nobody at the time was verbally pointing out my struggle and reflecting it back to me as valid and real.
I have to admit — that sounds like a lot from just one memory, but this just goes to show just how complex humans are.
Also, in case you didn’t catch it on your own, it is worth pointing out that the connection between my 3rd grade “sick at school” experience and the current systemic issues going on this country, particularly when it comes to health and work productivity.
What many of us struggled with as children based on the collective beliefs at that moment in time is continuing to impact our current reality.
Looking at it through a trauma lens, it makes perfect sense, as trauma can best be defined as: A moment frozen in time that we are continuing to hold on a physiological level.
And that is where we will be until we collectively choose to do the work to create something different.
From a developmental standpoint, we know that children need to feel like they have a sense of choice and control in their environment in order to develop into their best possible selves. There are a few stages of development where this is more crucial than others.
The first, most notably, is at the age of 2 (which is often referred to as the “terrible twos” in our culture) and another major time is when they’re teenagers.
Interestingly, both of these times are characterized as being a difficult time for parents, because kids “misbehave”. However, in reality, these are both times when parents and caregivers are challenged to give up a little bit of their own need to control (and work towards becoming more familiar with their growing child needing them less), so the child is given the opportunity to learn about the world, discover who they are, and establish a sense of autonomy and confidence within themselves.
Will they mess up? Yes.
Will they get hurt? Yes.
And, from a developmental standpoint, they need to. It’s a natural stage in human development that they need to be supported in.
When a child receives adequate support in making choices for themselves, they are able to develop a sense that they have control over their own lives.
It allows them to learn what they do have control over versus what they don’t.
It allows them to feel confident in decisions.
It allows them to feel empowered.
It allows them to recognize the influence that they have over their own lives and the world around them.
It allows them to be better able to not try to control what they don’t have control over.
And it becomes significantly easier for them to not get stuck in the extreme one-side-of-the-spectrum beliefs of “I have no choice” or “I have no control” when life brings them challenges. In reality, as adults we are never at a place of having 100% “no choice” and “no control”. However, that feeling we still get stems from an old wound from that inner child who is still waiting to get their needs met, which is: To receive adequate support in making their own choices for themselves.
So perhaps the question is: How can you, as your adult self, start to provide that for your inner child in the moments when the old “I have no choice” wound shows itself?
I cover a lot in this article, as it is a very complex and nuanced topic that took a fair amount of time to cover. In fact, I feel like I could easily write another article on a whole other layer to this topic that I wasn't able to cover this go around.
For this reason, there was a part of me that wanted a decent section of this article to be for paid subscribers only, but because my substack is still fairly new and I want people to have an introduction to some of what I like to write about, I decided to leave it readable for everyone.
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