On Becoming a Mother, Society's Expectations of Women & Believing You're Enough
A personal reflection
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As of today, I am 38 weeks pregnant.
As I am nearing the end of this pregnancy journey, I have found myself both continuing to gather resources and information in order to feel prepared and also reflecting on this 9 month pregnancy journey.
Because, honestly, this pregnancy journey has really been… something. And not from a “I’ve had health issues” during it (all has been and continues to be very healthy), but more from a place of fully realizing “Wow, this is what women and families can go through”.
I’m not going to lie — it’s been hard. Some days and weeks it’s been really, really hard, because I felt like I wasn’t getting the support I truly needed and wanted.
I’m not ready to share details of my personal journey just yet (nor am I sure if I want to share it for free, publicly), but what I will say is that, unfortunately, I’ve felt very disrespected by various providers in various ways over the last 9 months. I do not feel that I have been treated as a human being who is capable of making informed decisions for herself.
And that’s been really hard to endure. Especially as someone with a Masters degree who really enjoys learning from other people and professionals in order to become better in my own work.
These experiences have ultimately led me to make the decision to choose to get support through a birth center rather than to do a traditional hospital birth.
I feel good about the decision, as I have had the opportunity to tell my current providers “yes” or “no” based on what I know about myself, my desires, and my health and it has been respected and honored rather than ignored. And, frankly, staying out of medical centers and hospitals have ultimately kept my stress levels lower, which is — obviously — going to be better for me and the baby in the long run.
On an emotional level, the last 9 months have brought up a lot.
There’s been worry.
There’s been fear.
There’s been sadness.
There’s been grief.
Worry for the child’s future.
Fear of not getting the support I knew I needed.
Sadness in knowing that this child might not have the same kind of childhood that I and my husband had due to the current social and political climate in this country.
Grief over the loss that we’re not having this baby in my most “ideal” circumstances (while also fully accepting what I can and can’t control).
And in the backdrop of all of this, there’s been self-doubt. There’s been worry over whether what I can provide for this child will be enough to meet his needs — and I would imagine this isn’t uncommon for parents.
We’re fed so many messages in this culture on what we need to do in order to “be prepared” or “be good enough”.
Buy this product and that product.
Take this class and that class.
Read this book and that book.
Exercise enough.
Sleep enough.
Eat enough.
But no, don’t eat that.
But no, don’t exercise that way.
But no, don’t sleep that much.
Gain weight, but not too much.
Eat fish, but not too much.
Take your prenatal vitamin, but, really, you don’t need to worry about it.
Get this car seat, but not if it’s been used, in a car accident, put on a plane, or [insert whatever other regulation there is here].
Meanwhile your body is sending you all kinds of messages through instinctual cravings and aversions. You hate the things you used to love and you love the things you used to hate. Your body is just doing what it’s doing and you don’t have much control over it.
And yet, the noise from the culture continues.
The whole process can feel incredibly overwhelming if you actually listen to all of the noise that is fed. It’s no wonder people can start to feel like they’re not going to be enough as a parent.
The whole process can be really disempowering, because what the mainstream culture teaches parents isn’t supportive at all. Rather, it gives this underlying message of “You need to be perfect and, because you’ll never achieve our standard of what we believe perfection is, you will never be enough”.
When you think about it, it’s really not all that different from the other messages that women are fed in this culture about how their appearance, their diet, their weight, their achievements, etc.
So given that women are and have always been thought of as the primary caregivers, I suppose this really shouldn’t come as a surprise. In hindsight, I suppose I was a bit naive going into this pregnancy to think that I wouldn’t experience such intense pressure from the mainstream culture to fit into this narrative of who they think I should be as both a pregnant person and parent.
Monday was my first day of my maternity leave, so I had given myself a day to just “be”. I organized what I felt needed organizing to prepare and then spent some time reading and gathering resources that I felt would be helpful.
Something that I ultimately found was a text that said something along the lines of, “Your child is not going to care about all products you buy for them. All they are going to care about is having you around. All they want is you.”
I sat with that for a moment and remembered what it was like being a kid. I remembered how it was to get toys and things, but, even more so, I just wanted one of my parents to give me attention and to simply be present. I remembered wanting more quality time with my caregivers and less time where everyone seemed to be busy working. I remembered wanting more patience and acceptance of where I was at.
And from that process I finally felt the the noise of the culture fall away and I found myself get to a place of You know what? I can do that. I can provide that. And by providing those things rather than focusing on all these “other things”, I can be enough. Because, at the end of the day, the only thing that really matters is my ability to support and be present with my child.
It’s not your job to please everyone.
It’s not your job to be complicit in being what someone else wants you to be.
It’s not your job to achieve someone else’s standard for perfection.
Your job is to be you.
Your job is to accept yourself.
Your job is to be compassionate with yourself.
Your job is to be patient with yourself.
Your job is to make your own best judgment in any given situation and be willing to accept the potential consequences for that decision, regardless of how painful it might be.
Your job is to learn how to trust yourself.
Your job is to learn how to advocate for yourself.
Your job is to recognize what you need.
Your job is to become comfortable in doing whatever you need to do so your needs can be met.
And from that place, that’s where self empowerment emerges.
Things I’ve found nourishing this week:
Taking walks with the dog at sunrise to enjoy the cool, clean morning air.
My pregnancy pillow (it’s so needed now).
Quiet evenings with no TV.
Dried English Lavender.
Going to the beach.
Salt baths.
Watermelon… and crenshaw melon.
Speaking from the heart, unapologetically, when there is injustice.