It is now officially rainy season here in Northern California. The leaves have all turned colors and are falling to the ground, the temperatures have cooled, and the rain has been coming down fairly frequently the last few days.
It’s December. And it feels both as if it has arrived very quickly this year and also that it has taken a long time.
I suppose having a baby does that to you. The days can feel really long and they can easily start to blend together due to the lack of sleep. And yet, at the same time, it feels like the time has flown by. Earlier today my husband seemingly forgot that our son was out of his swaddling stage, so when he gave a look of “Umm… why are you swaddling me?” I had to remind my husband of how that stage is over and we’re already on to the next one. It was just one of many reminders of how quickly the time passes.
As the holidays approach along with the year’s end, I always found it to be a time to reflect on and celebrate the passage of time. After all, isn’t that what New Years is all about?
There’s been a lot of changes in my life with the arrival of our new addition. I didn’t know how hard it would be and I also didn’t know how great it would be. And because I didn’t know either of those two things I didn’t know who and how I would be as a new mom.
For the last couple months, I think it’s safe to say that my capacity for things outside of baby stuff has significantly lowered. The notorious 4 month sleep regression paired with just everything else that had been going on has caused a greater need to rest, slow down and focus mostly on the household.
And, admittedly, it’s been hard.
It’s led me to feel a greater distance from my old life, a life where I could focus more on work and other things. However, at the same time, I enjoy spending less time focused on work.
And I’ve been working on holding both.
To know that it’s okay to miss how life used to be and also enjoy this new reality.
To know that it’s okay to miss work and also be glad that I’m not working as much as I was right now.
To know that it’s okay to miss the freedom of life before having a kid and also really enjoy the simpleness of just staying home to care for my son.
In this modern American culture we seem to spend a lot of time focused on work and money. Working more to earn more. Working more to have those basic necessities met. Stressing about increasing one’s income in hopes that maybe there will be a point of feeling a sense of financial security.
I think Marianne Williamson summarized it pretty well a week or so ago when she shared:
When 60% of our population lives paycheck to paycheck, that means 60% of our people are living with chronic economic anxiety. It’s a rolling form of PTSD; not post but rather present traumatic stress disorder. This isn’t a mental health crisis; it’s an economic justice crisis.
~ Marianne Williamson
From what I’ve observed, the chronic economic anxiety almost feels like it’s own epidemic in and of itself — and it’s most definitely not sustainable.
Some people have told me that this has kicked in more for them since having a kid. That the responsibility that comes with having a parent has led them to feel more anxious economically. Though I understand completely how someone could go to that position, oddly enough, I’ve personally found it to be the opposite.
Having a kid has helped me to get more grounded. It’s helped me to drop the chronic economic anxiety and stress and to just be a little more present. It’s forced me to come to terms with my own capacity and accept the fact that I can’t do everything for everyone who comes to me for help (even though, as a therapist, that’s what so many of us naturally want to do). It’s forced me to come to terms with the reality that I’m not meant to help everyone all the time, every time. And it’s forced me to come to terms with the reality that, hey, I need more help than I’m willing to admit or ask for.
So I’ve been moving more into that place: Getting more comfortable with accepting that I am where I am, learning how to communicate where I am to others, and to ask for help when it is needed.
When it feels so familiar to be in chronic anxiety about our economic situation, it can be really hard to not feel that way. It can be hard to move out of the fear and to move into a place of feeling comfortable and grounded.
And that’s not just true when there’s chronic economic anxiety, but it’s true when someone is trying to heal from any kind of trauma.
The growth is in learning to become comfortable with feeling the unfamiliar.
And the more we can become comfortable with, simply, feeling comfortable, the easier it is to see things clearly and respond effectively to tough situations when they do come up. Why? Because we are then able to use our energy more efficiently and our nervous systems can operate the way they are meant to without all the old “baggage”.
It’s okay to be content about what will happen tomorrow, next week, or next year.
It’s okay to be relaxed even when we’re living at a time of high inflation.
It’s okay to feel grounded when there is so much economic uncertainty.
It’s okay to feel comfortable with where you are right now even if you’re not as stable as you’d like to be economically.
And most importantly…
It’s okay to rest if you’re in a season of life where your body is telling you to rest.
It’s okay to say no to other’s expectations of you when you don’t have the capacity.
It’s okay to admit that you just don’t have the energy for things that our culture may have told you that you need to do.
It’s okay to take a break.
And it’s absolutely okay to say no for now and to go back to something later.
After all, not everything needs to happen right now. Sometimes in life there are things that we might want to do, but we don’t need to do them right now if our body is telling us no. That doesn’t mean that it’s not going to happen someday. It just means that you are taking care of yourself, first and foremost. Which, at the end of the day, is the most important thing of all.