On Accepting What Is to Find the Joy
Despite the struggles
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Recently on an overcast and cool fall afternoon my 4 month old son decided that he wanted what I call a “cat nap and mini meal” kind of afternoon. This is essentially when he starts to take little bits of milk followed by a cat nap foll by another small meal and more cat naps.
Some days it’s okay and other days it feels, as you would imagine, a very, very long day.
On this particular afternoon my husband was home.
As my son had just finished one of his cat naps and he was going in for another feed I told my husband, “You know this wouldn’t be so bad if I could figure out how to nap with him cause I’m pretty tired.”
“Yeah I get that” he responded “it’s hard to find a way to nap with him and not wake him.”
“It’s unfortunate, really” I said “cause it’s a perfect day for a nap too. It’s all cool and overcast. It’s one of those days where you just want to lounge and have some tea.”
“That sounds wonderful,” he said, “do you want some tea?”
“Sure”
And he went off to brew me a pot of tea as I feed our son again.
But his words “that sounds wonderful” stuck in my head — and I realized something.
I’ve been so stressed for months due to an issue that got diagnosed fairly late that I haven’t been allowing myself to enjoy these moments. It’s been so easy to get all caught up in worry over whether or not my son making progress. It’s been so easy to get nervous over whether or not I’m doing enough to help him make progress.
The whole experience has brought up a lot of anger, grief and sadness for me. And the thing that has hurt the most about it is that I’ve felt that the late diagnosis and the additional work required has made it harder for me to just enjoy being with him in the way I’ve been wanting to this entire time. It’s given me more and more things “to do” and not a lot of room to “just be”.
So when there are afternoons of “cat naps and mini meals” it’s been hard to just be present with him and just enjoy the time. When feeds take so much time, my mind tends to get flooded with the voices of the comments I’ve heard from providers over the last several months over all the things I “need to do” so he can “make progress”.
Which, I have to say the recommendations have been exhausting for everyone involved.
But that day my husbands comment of “that sounds wonderful” caused something to click.
I realized that in order to enjoy being with him I can’t focus on changing his behavior. I can’t focus on making him any different from where he is right now. He’s just doing what he’s doing because he’s a freaking baby. I have very little control over it despite all the noise about whats “good” or “bad” and “right” or “wrong” and what needs to be “changed” or “improved”.
I realized that I will never be able to enjoy my time with him if I remain in that mindset.
And, frankly, it’s not helping either of us.
So I stopped trying to check all the boxes of the “to do” lists I’ve been given. I decided to stop trying to please healthcare providers and I decided to make just being present with my son the #1 priority.
So for that afternoon and the subsequent afternoons of “cat naps and mini meals” that followed, I decided to just let it be. To just roll with it and stop worrying so much about finding the time to do all the other stuff that others have told me to do.
After all, meeting him where he is at is not only better for him — it’s better for me too. And it’s better for our relationship as a whole, which, at the end of the day, is all that matters.