Is it Trauma, High Sensitivity, or Just Empathy?
Thoughts on knowing the difference and the whole nature vs. nurture debate
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I recently did a post on the ol’ Instagram that read:
“Adults who are very in-tune with the emotional states of others were once children who learned that they needed to know other people's emotions in order to predict their behaviors in hopes that, by doing this, they will be safe.”
With the caption of:
“The patterns that we engage in as adults didn't come from no where. They are patterns that originated in childhood as a way to adapt to our environments in a way so that we can feel comfortable and safe.
Often times, those who are extremely tuned-in to the emotional states of others often began doing this in order to try to predict the behaviors of the adults around them, who may have been unpredictable in some way.
This can become a problem in adulthood where the adult, for example, is highly in-tune with the emotions of others but also feel anxious or “on-edge” because they are anticipating this person to do something that someone from their past did to them. They might be anticipating something that they experienced from a caregiver in childhood, or it could be from another past relationship.
The reality, however, is that the person they are interacting with in the present-day may very well be nothing like the people from their past. This current person might actually be safe, but it becomes harder for the adult to be at ease in the relationship because this old attachment trauma is still present.
This points back to the importance of gradually doing the work to recognize one's own triggers, as that can often gain insight into what your traumas are.”
Perhaps unsurprisingly, this resulted in getting various comments and DMs like:
“That’s not trauma. That’s just empathy.”
“Or you could just be an old soul.”
“Not everything is trauma.”
“That’s just a normal human experience — that’s not trauma.” (This comment I always find particularly funny because, well yes, trauma is an extremely common human experience. You’d have to live in a vacuum in order to completely avoid it, but even then you’d probably develop attachment trauma because you’re, well, living in a vacuum… kind like the bubble boy in Seinfield, which is traumatic in it’s own way because there’s basic human needs — the need for socialization rather than isolation — not being met).
And so on.
I kind of laugh to myself a bit when I receive comments and DMs like this because nothing that I said in the post suggests that it is “all or nothing” or “100% this or that” even though the comments suggest that. It’s as if multiple things can’t be true all at the same time.
Unfortunately, our culture — especially on social media — appears to be trapped in a pandemic of splitting (“black and white”, “all or nothing”, “right or wrong” thinking) rather than to really look at and consider all the nuance and complexity of what is being stated.
As a result, nothing is learned and no real growth happens.
As Thich Nhat Hanh said:
Our only job is to remain open.
Usually when we hear something new, we just compare it to our own ideas.
If it is the same, we accept it and say it is correct.
If it is not, we say it is incorrect.
In either case, we learn nothing.
Speaking to the post itself, what I am describing is when someone is in a state of hypervigilance. So this is when someone is feeling “on-edge” and tense somatically, because they are anticipating something from their environment in order to protect themselves and stay safe.
Hypervigilance is very much so a symptom of trauma. If not the most common symptom of trauma.
A classic example would be Vietnam war veterans who would become easily startled upon hearing a loud noise in their environment after being in the war.
Another example would be a child who flinches every time they see an adult raise their hand in front of them because they’re anticipating getting hit.
In my IG post, however, I’m not speaking to the obvious physical behaviors that people do in these instances that we can see on the outside. Rather, I’m describing is the internal, emotional experience that’s going on underneath the surface. I’m describing the inner experience of a person who is in a state of hypervigilance.
Which, honestly, is something that gets less talked about, despite it being equally as important — if not more important. And frankly, this phenomenon needs to be talked about so we develop more conscious awareness of this human experience both within ourselves and of others.
In regards to the comments and DMs I’ve received, however, the reality is that it is never, ever just one thing that describes the totality of a human experience.
It’s often a lot of things at once. And that’s what it means to truly look at things from a holistic perspective: To consider all the internal and external factors and influences that create an outcome all at the same time rather than view it as either/or.
The reality is that you can be highly sensitive and have symptoms of trauma.
The reality is that you can be empathetic person and have symptoms of trauma.
The reality is that the effects of both nature and nurture always exist at the same time. There is no “vs” because they are always, always, always intertwined and it’s impossible to completely separate the two when doing any kind of research.
The reality is that you come into this world with certain traits and predispositions for certain conditions. However, depending on the nurture that you receive from your environment how that shows up for you is going to be impacted.
For example, you might be genetically predisposed to get diabetes but if you eat a healthy diet and follow a healthy lifestyle, it is possible to completely avoid receiving that diagnosis in life.
Another example could be is that you were born with the sensory processing sensitivity trait (also known as being a Highly Sensitive Person or HSP), but you may have also experienced a parent (or another other adult caregiver) who was unpredictable. This has led to hypervigilance that comes up in social situations that is now being carried in adulthood.
It’s never just either/or — it’s always both/and.
And the more we can notice and consider all the different factors at play rather than just fixate on something being “right or wrong”, then the better off we’re going to be — individually, relationally, collectively — because we’re being honest and realistic about the wholeness of what is in any given moment.