I’ve been on the DL lately.
The truth is that in the last couple months I reached a point where my body essentially started giving me a full body No more. It’s time to stop. Please stop. Just stop. Rest. Recover. And so, to the best of my ability, I’ve been focusing on doing just that.
I’ve been focusing on simple things like sleep, rest, diet, and fitting in moments to slow down as much as possible.
I’ve been focusing a lot on doing things for myself so that I am able to continue providing for my son and the small caseload I continue to maintain.
Because, honestly, I had burnt out. Like, completely burnt out to the point where I had little energy left. I reached a point where I was running on the mere fumes leftover from a fire that had been burning for far too long. Once I reached that point, I knew that if I didn’t (and don’t) slow down and focus on giving myself the nourishment and care that I need then everything is going to get way worse. All of my responsibilities would need to go onto someone else and there would be no one to care for my son.
So I started focusing more on me and (finally) getting help that actually helps rather than going along with all the many, many opinions out there on what “should” help or is “supposed” to help.
I started tuning out all the noise that I was hearing from everyone else “out there” and started tuning back into myself and trusting my own intuition and what I knew I needed.
When I started this process I began learning a lot about the importance of postpartum recovery. The importance of slowing down. The importance of rest. The importance of receiving adequate nourishment. The importance of being cared for despite living a country and culture that expects women to go back to life as usual after a few weeks (as if your body didn’t just create an entire human being and that isn’t going to deplete you).
But as I move deeper into this healing process, I’m realizing that what my body, mind, and spirit is trying to heal from runs so much deeper than just what I experienced during 9 months of pregnancy and 12 months postpartum. I’m also needing to heal from what I’ve experienced and endured the last several years.
I’m also needing to heal and rejuvenate from:
Supporting people mentally, emotionally, and spiritually as a therapist for 2 years as many people went through some of the worst times of their lives during a pandemic.
The stress and trauma that I had to endure going through a pandemic in a country that did not provide adequate social and economic support for its people.
The stress and trauma that I had to endure by going through a pandemic in a country that, frankly, handled it very, very poorly (and I think we can all safely agree that our death rates per 1 million alone make it pretty obvious that we didn’t exactly do a stellar job here compared to, say, New Zealand).
The stress of trying to be a support for others during an incredibly stressful time collectively in a pandemic, when I also didn’t have adequate support nor much ability to care for myself the way I would have if the circumstances were different.
The stress of working in community mental health settings for 4-years prior to the pandemic, where I mostly dealt with hopeless cases that saw little to no progress.
The stress and trauma of trying to improve people’s mental health while there are systemic issues that were not only working against my clients’ health and well-being, but also my attempts at trying to help them heal and recover.
The stress of working in environments that instilled fear in me to “bill more” in order to avoid being reprimanded and focus less on providing quality care that is based on the things that I value like attunement, empathy, compassion and presence.
The stress of working in a healthcare industry that prioritizes using human beings as things to profit from rather than truly helping them.
The belief that I need to continue providing and giving more just because that’s what I see my peers and others doing.
The belief that I am somehow less than because I’m not providing and giving what others are right now.
The belief that I cannot talk about my experience of being a therapist just because I’ve been working as a therapist.
The belief that I somehow won’t survive financially and economically because I’m prioritizing my health and well being over my income and productivity.
The belief that taking time to rest and heal is a detriment.
The truth is that I’m a human being, not a machine.
I have emotions.
I have feelings.
I experience feelings in my body in response to life’s circumstances.
And as a result of all of those experiences, my body gets tired… as it needs to in order to recharge and heal.
I cannot pretend that what I’ve seen and experienced didn’t happen.
I cannot pretend that what I’ve experienced was not significant.
I cannot continue to pretend that how these experiences have impacted me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually was not significant.
I cannot continue to pretend that all of these life experiences have not drastically changed my worldview.
I cannot continue to pretend that taking the time to reflect on these experiences and process them so I can make more sense of it all is not important… because the truth is that it is extremely important.
When we have life experiences that are deeply impactful and significant to us in some way, we all need time to slow down, process, and integrate it all.
If not, we just never really grow, evolve, and heal.
And if we continue to avoid it, we might just burn out.
Things that have been nourishing lately:
Tea… so much tea with red raspberry leaf and tulsi ashwagandha being two current favorites
Bone broth with goji berries
Soup… so much soup
Deep, slow breaths
Acupuncture
Brainspotting Therapy
Handing the baby over to my husband unapologetically when I need a break
Accepting help from friends
Yin yoga before bed
Not turning the lights on at dusk, but, instead, lighting candles throughout my home